Open...Raw....Vulnerable....Me.

Man.....wow....

I'm learning that time does not erase old painful wounds. The hard way. The reason it's so painful and still feels fresh is because I have never faced it and tried to work my way through it. It simply just hurts. It always seems that what I want or feel I need/needed doesn't really seem to work out, I know that God knows what is best for me and I logically trust Him, it's just very difficult getting my logic to line up with my emotions. Oh, I can hear it now, " Don't be led of your emotions" Yeah...if you KNOW me, you would know that is not who I am. I don't want to go through the pain of dealing with all of this, I just want it to go away and years later it has not. I wish I could just walk away from it, and yet the past has shown me truly how difficult this is. I'm wondering what God is showing me and teaching me through this. Rejection from people I love is just not supposed to happen and it really sucks. My heart aches in ways I thought were far behind me I just want the pain to go away. Why am I unloved for, uncared for? Discarded like yesterday's trash...you are supposed to love me and want me? What did I do? After this long why do I care? I'm tired of it affecting me..defining me....haunting me....being a part of me.



I want to be free.

Really does classify as the worst day of my entire life.

It started out as any normal, regular, fall, rainy, non-eventful day. I put the boys on the bus for the second time since we've moved...they are morning bus riders...but more about that later....

The horribleness started out when my FIL goes to pick my babies up from school to bring them here to me @ work. At 3:25pm they have been out of school for 15 mins and my FIL calls me and tells me that he has just been told thay my children are on a PM bus...home. WHAT?!?!?! THERE IS NO ONE AT HOME!!! WHY WOULD THEY BE ON A BUS!?!?!?!?!? They have never been on a PM bus..why today. He tells me that he is going to go to my house and try and catch the bus. I call the lady in the front office and she says "You told me they were bus riders, yes see I wrote it down here...bus riders ." Now I'm hollering "NO I DID NOT. I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU A.M. ONLY!!!!! NO ONE IS AT MY HOUSE. I WOULD NOT TELL YOU TO PUT MY 7 AND 5 YEAR OLD CHILDREN ON A BUS TO A HOUSE NO ONE IS AT!!!!!!"

(sidenote: she was enrolling 2 other families when she was enrolling us so now obviously that SMALL detail was overlooked. The reason they were even ON the bus is because due to this mistake the children were handed slips from the office in their classrooms tellling them to get on the bus...thinking I had institued the change, they obliged...Nemo reluctantly..Christian was just doing what he was told.)

She continues to insist that I am wrong about what was said and she is right repeating my address to me, and just going through a bunch of rambling nonsense. I tell her all of that is of no consequence now and she needs to find my children. NOW.

So she says she is going to call the bus company and see if they are still on the bus.

At this point I'm just pissed...a little freaked out but mostly upset because they are on the bus, she's going to call them and tell them to drop them off to my FIL at school when the route is done...inconveinent yes...but at least they would be with dad in at most a 1/2 hour.

It's now 3:40pm

She calls me back and tells me that the bus is scheduled to be on my street @ 3:25 and that they let my children off the bus.

And that's when sheer hysteria set in. THEY LET MY BABIES OFF THE BUS ON OUR BRAND NEW STREET AND NOW THEY ARE JUST OUT IN THE RAIN, COLD AND ALONE AND NO ONE IS THERE WITH THEM!!!!!

Every gut wrenching, horrible, terrible thought went through my head. I thought I was going to stop breathing.

Dad calls me and tells me that they are not anywhere to be seen on my street. He goes to my house looks in the backyard, in the windows...drives up and down the street..No Nehemiah...No Christian. My children are MISSING..they are not at school...they are not on the bus and they are not anywhere near my house!!!!

There are no words to describe what I was going through. I dialed Nicole and begged her to help me

..I was in complete and total PANIC!!! I was sobbing uncontrolably...Ezekiel grabbed my hands and prayed for his brothers to come home..I'm pretty sure Nicole was praying...those 15 mins are still a blur... I have never been so afraid in my entire life...I would LIVE WITH A CLOWN...everyday...after yesterday! I thought I was going to be on the 5 o'clock news pleading for my children to be returned to me!!!!!

Dad decides to circle our block again and sees two adorable little Westmoreland boys getting off of a bus and walking down the street....turns out they were still ON THE BUS even though I had been told they were let off. Brandon called me to tell me that dad had the children and that he would be by the store shortly with them. There ends the worst day of my life. So greatful the day ended the way it did...I surely do not know what I would have done if we couldn't find them. Thank you JESUS for my boys being safe.

"You experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress."

This is a quote from a very accurate personality test I took this week and I am here to tell you I am feeling all of that! All of it. In addition, Zekie saw fit to give my beloved PINK Blackberry a juice bath yesterday. I can't tell you how sad I am over it...I know it's a phone and worse things, have, can and probably will happen..... but last night I was reduced to tears over it..... it's also the end of the month and I'm already 85% irritated and irrational right now okay?!?! So Brandon is giving me his NEW BB Curve and he is going back to his NV. I'm very grateful, he was very helpful switching phones over and SO WILLING to just hand over his brand spanking new phone since I need the BB for work and email and all that jazz, and kind to me last night even though I was mad as a hippo with a hernia. Poor guy. I'll have to tell him how much I appreciate him later...

I took one aspect of my practical midterm last night on a relaxer and I did well on it...happy dance. Tomorrow we have a model coming in for facials and I plan to midterm in that area as well..hope it goes great!

I have a ton on my mind right now, so I will be ye farewell..

Smallville tonight...OH YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!

Love you, mean it.

CIAO!

Well Hello

It's a beautiful day in the neighboorhood. Yes indeed!

Have you ever needed something very bad even if you weren't quite sure how bad and finally get it? That happened to me yesterday and I can say I am very very happy it did. God is good. Everything that works out in His timing is best. Thank you Jesus.

Brandon started BlueCross BlueShield yesterday. He called me to tell me that they have Wii's in the breakroom...guess they want happy relaxed employees. I'm sure that's exactly what they'll get in Brandon Westmoreland + Wii. I'm just VERY glad that he is out of that shark tank at Allstate!

We are preparing to move the other side of town (read 4 mins away and "over the river") next Friday and not a single thing is in a single box. Yes, I said next Friday. Don't judge me. I already am almost in a panic over it. How to pack when I am gone from 9am-9 pm 4 days a week, host a community group, school 8-5 on Saturday and church 9-12 on Sundays? Yeah, let's just say I haven't mastered the art of figuring THAT out! LOL. We only just decided to move so it's not like I've known forever and just have waited until the last minute. Right? Don't judge me. :P I am very excited however to move...I already LOVE the house and the kitchen?? mmm mmm mmm mmm good!!

School is going GREAT! I have 505 hours left as of yesterday. As I am independently studying some subjects as well as participating in my current load, it gets a bit tough @ times...but I have my eye on the prize! February...come QUICKLY!!!

Today is the first day of Autumn! That means a cool breeze, yellow and red leaves, and Pumpkin Festivals, Farmer's Markets and great outdoor family time. Hoping to get PLENTY of that before the snow hits....because it snows here....where I have now lived for over a year...in Illinois.

All the children are doing well...back in the routine of school and homework. Pumpkin Pie and Nemo are feeling a bit under the weather but I'm not able to attribute it to anything yet. I thought allergies, but then Pumpkin Pie felt a bit warm this morning, but he hasn't at all today. Needless to say, keeping an eye on them.


Well, it's time for me to get to acting like a student again and get some studying done.

Love you, mean it.

Ciao!

I have absolutely ZERO motivation to do or go anywhere today...but alas I have things on my plate and so I shall. That's really all right now. I'm still not feeling to hot.

Oh Geez

Today was a busy but great day! Matt preached a great sermon followed by a pizza party, and our Fantasy Football draft. Brandon and Lex are in Wilmington @ youth group and me and boys are watching the Bears game on now. Westmoreland family isn't feeling too hot today. Boo! We came home and I tried to take a nap but that didn't work out the way I was hoping...very sporadic, not restful outcome. Not good. So after my "nap" I'm still tired. We are getting ready to start our Bible Study semester in this next week, that's so nice. I'm looking forward to getting to know the people that signed up for our group! I am feeling like a complete and utter failure today. I just get so overwhelmed SO easily and it is really beyond aggravating. I seem more sensible than I've been acting lately..I really don't know what's going on. Did I mention that I'm on vacation for the next 10 days?!? Well I am and you can bet your bottom dollar I am elated! I've already filled up Monday, Tues, and Friday with vision and dentist appointments for just about every member of our family...Zekie is the only exception. But I'm happy to only have that and school on my plate this week. VERY happy. This has got to be the most boring blog I have ever typed in my life, so I'll go now.

Love you, mean it

Ciao!

This is GREAT!

Just figured out out how to blog on my phone. This should work out quite nicely. Everytime I think I think I want to get a laptop, the good old blackberry comes through! Its a wonderfully gloomy day here in the Midwest. Homework is going well for me and I am up to 920 hrs! The big boys are adjusting to their school schedule quite well. Ezekiel and I have been having a good time together. He Loves starfall and is having a good time with noggin as well. Days @ work are getting less desireable for me and today was a really difficult day. I've been thinking a lot about the influence I have over my household and I've been feeling just horrible about it. I am just so not the mother or wife that I envisioned for myself. Not entirely without lack of trying....I could put in a better effort in more areas but I just feel SO defeated and its hard to get motivated when you feel like you've lost before you've gotten into gear. Really need to work on responding because I react FAR more than I should. I need a great deal of help in that area. We are supposed to get some family time in this weekend that I am really looking forward to. Gotta run.

Love you, mean it.

Ciao!

Hello

I've been saying this a lot but I really miss blogging. I used to do it daily...but then again, my life was a lot less complicated then. Anywho.. HI! I don't even really know where to start. So I'll start with the present. Christian AND Nehemiah are going to school on Thursday! My 2nd born is going to Kindergarten!!!!! WOW! Time is flying! He is so excited, and Christian told him today that when he sees him, he will play with him on the playground! That's a sweet 7 year old I have! Life is going to be so different with just Pumkin Pie @ home! He's going to miss his big brothers SO much. I hope he adjusts well, and quickly! School is going well for me. I really like being there. We are in Anatomy and Physiology right now...which means a lot of workbook work ( 51 pages) so that will be occupying a good amount of time for the next few weeks. One of my favorite things to do is look at my time sheet and watch the hours I have left dwindle away. Our anniversary is this Friday. 8 years. Wow. Long time. We are getting old. ..well Brandon's getting old...I'm getting better. :) I don't know what we are doing or if we are doing anything...going to get lost in downtown Chi-Town doesn't seeem like that bad of an idea...who knows...we'll see what happens. I don't think I'm going to be making my way to school today. We've still got to get some last minute things for them uniforms( blue polos, blue bottoms) black dress shoes ( black sneakers for PE) I'd like to look into the "magnet" schools that are in the area...I'm not sure how I feel about this school yet...TBD. Well they are arguing...I should go.

This was nice...hopefully there is more in the near future. And perhaps more interesting...


Love you, mean it...

Ciao!